You start a new blossoming relationship and you swear that you will not go through the heartache you experienced when your last relationship ended. You are full of hope and excitement, perhaps there is a niggling worry about what if this does not work out either and you feel the time pressure.
The person you are with this time seems different on paper than your previous relationships, but after a while you realise that he does not respect you or your boundaries. He does not treat you as a priority and you end up wasting a lot of your energy on worrying and thinking about the relationship.
Perhaps on a date you meet a guy and he feels so familiar to you, like you have met in a previous life or something…
After a while you realise that the man you are seeing does not see your relationship as a priority and you realise that this relationship is doomed…again…
“But why you smart woman…why can’t you find a decent, loyal and loving man?” You ask yourself.
The key factor in attraction is similarity
A lot of research shows that we are attracted to people who are in some ways similar to what we already know. There is research showing that women are attracted to facial features similar to their fathers.
Even more importantly what you may be (unconsciously) attracted to is the dynamic that is similar to the dynamic with your own family. The pull towards a familiar dynamic is very strong even if you may have recognised that some aspects of your own family dynamic may not be healthy or helpful. Of course, there may be parts of your family dynamic you may wish to replicate.
In relationships you may notice that you often end up with men who are in some ways aloof or emotionally absent. You may have experienced similar feelings of not being seen and being a priority with your own parents.
When you have had early experiences with the family of origin that have resulted in you feeling bad about yourself or that you have had to be “a good girl” to get attention, you may attract a man who triggers similar feelings within you.
This is as good as I deserve…?
We attract the kind of energy or dynamic into our world we believe we deserve. Our self worth comes from our early experiences and being parented hopefully in a way that gives the message that “I matter”. Although we are all worthy of love and attention, and it is our birth right, it may be hard for you to believe that. If you have had childhood experiences or later life experiences that have shaken your belief in yourself, you may deep down hold a belief that you can only have a man who is emotionally absent and not fully present.
Perhaps it is difficult for you to set boundaries with a man and he goes in and out of your life. You may have an inner belief that “this is as good as I deserve” and you end up choosing partners who reconfirm that belief.
Jumping into a “situationship” and trying to make it into a relationship
Dating can feel frustrating for sure. The time pressure for a grown up woman is a real factor too and it can cloud your judgement. You may wish like I remember sometimes wishing sometimes that you could jump from dating to the relationship part. I just wanted to know that we are in a relationship and I could stop wondering whether this was going anywhere.
The danger of not taking time and trying to speed up dating to become a relationship is that you don’t properly know the person yet and you may end up in the wrong relationship. If you have sex with the man before having discussed exclusivity and knowing him emotionally, you risk making wrong decisions because the biological base of our dating behaviour means that women feel more emotionally invested with a man if they have sex with them. If he hasn’t earned the rights to your heart and having those relationship benefits (like having sex with you), delaying it will test if he is worth your time.
Now if you thought that this is just old-fashioned advice, I get it. As a strong, independent modern woman who want to enjoy having a great sex life. If you are looking for a long-term relationship and hoping to change the direction of your love life, here’s what you’ve got to know:
Our psychobiology guides our dating (mating) behaviour and our brain & nervous system is STILL the same as our ancestors. Our psychobiology has not changed with our modern times.
How to change the course of your love life?
If you want to have a very different relationship in the future, something has to change. The key thing here is self awareness: the more you understand yourself, you know your own history, and how your family dynamics affect you and what you learned about relationships in those early years. It is also important how your later adult relationships have affected you.
Then start creating the vision of how you would like to feel in a relationship and start going towards that in your dating decisions. Be intentional about dating. Be selective about how you go out and spend time getting to know each other. You are making decisions for the rest of your life so it is important to take it seriously even if hopefully you are having fun when dating.
If you would like to change the course of your love life: stop settling and finally attract that equal man into your life, get in touch.