Online is where I met my husband, and we have been together for 16 years now. Things were slightly different in those days because it was the early days of online dating, there were not all apps that we have today, and everything was much slower and often you were considered to be a little bit desperate if you went online looking for love .
But it is an opportunity to really meet people outside of your area and widen your horizons, why limit yourself to people who go to the same places as you?
You may feel depleted and scared to go online or even fed up with the whole dating thing but as a smart professional woman you can go out and find love.
Where to start with online dating?
Whether you are trying to date online or face to face, the most important thing to consider is ‘Who are you as a person’.
You need to do some reflecting on who you are, what kind of things are important to you, your values, past history, what kind of relationship you want to have, what qualities you enjoy about self and those that you don’t. Get to know yourself, then when you have done that, know what type of person are you looking for?
Think of dating as going fishing in the sea, there are many different types of fish out there and if you go just looking for any old fish with your fishing rod it will be down to luck what comes up. You need to be clear in your mind what type of person would be a good fit. I help my clients to think about this. You might have certain qualities you are looking for or some you have not even thought about. It is important to know yourself and what you are looking for.
You need to make certain decisions when going online so that you are cutting out as much noise as possible, narrowing it down so that you are looking for a specific kind of fish.
What you need to do is to think about where this type of person will be, which services will they use. Friend’s recommendations are always good.
Apps & Dating Sites, what to consider?
Often when we think about dating apps we think of lots of pictures. Men are very visual when searching, many just go on to be entertained, not everyone is looking for a serious relationship, you may have noticed this. Apps serve men better, they give access to huge number of people with no criteria to narrow down the search, Apps like Tinder only allow searches by location or gender. What do you have in common with them? Look to reduce the number of options as quickly as possible.
Dating apps serve men, not ready for relationships or available for relationships, just being there for fun and to entertain themselves which can give bad experiences. If they are bombarded by lots of women in front of them, how many can they really go out with at once?
Using apps can be frustrating so you need to change mindset on your approach to online dating.
A better option for women is dating websites sites where you can create a profile and are able to put down who you are as a person and what type of person you are looking for. This serves you a lot better.
It is worth investigating dating sites where your ideal match might be, yes there maybe less people on the site but it can reduce overwhelm and make it easier to find the right type of people that match what you are looking for in a relationship.
When you start creating a profile for yourself be clear on who you are and who you are looking for. What you are trying to do is essentially self-marketing. You are putting yourself forward and trying to attract attention similar to what you do when marketing your business.
How can you attract the right type of people? Yes you might attract the wrong type of people but it happens, look to reduce the noise around you and focus on the right type of person you want to attract?
It is important to adopt a mindset like a ninja warrior and see that the online platform is just a vehicle for meeting people, you need to detach yourself from the outcome, there will be people who are not right, who act in not nice ways, some sites do not have the right type of people on. They are likely to use certain type of services. That is fine just move on.
Before you go online set a certain ritual, it can feel personal but what ever happens there it is just a platform you are trialling, putting yourself in the best possible light, but it is not a reflection about you or your worth.
Carry out some affirmations or mindfulness, meditate and say to yourself “I deserve, a defined love with someone who really accepts me” and keep that mantra in your mind when you go online.
On your profile have an eye-catching tagline, an interesting hobby or place you want somebody to share with you. Have something that stands out from the crowd, you need to make yourself be seen in this space. Maybe those sites work better than apps for you as you can add more about yourself.
You can use dating apps, but you need to train the app to give you the right kind of people, be careful not to click on anyone who is not suitable for you because the algorithm will give you more of those people and they are not what you are looking for.
Do not put photos from 10 years ago or group photos where nobody knows which one is you, or photos that are fuzzy with bad lighting
It is important to have photos that are a true reflection of you, get a friend take a few photos of you in your favourite place or doing an activity that reflects your personality. You want to attract the person who is right for you. What environments will reflect what you are looking for? If you have kids don’t have them in the photo, that will come up later in conversation if the person is right for you.
Also think what your favourite environment is, where do you hang out and where do you want to share with other people. Remember that your photos don’t need to see you in super glamourous clothes but be a true reflection of who you are.
Should I as a woman make first contact? Should I lead the conversation?
What is important to understand is that our dating behaviours go back to our cave hunting days.
Men get a dopamine hit when pursuing women, if he is not doing that he is just there just for entertainment, if he is there for the right reasons, he will put in the effort he sees with someone he see with potential.
The kind of mindset I want you to adopt is ‘I am deserving of the person who truly likes me for who I am and puts in the effort to get to know me’. From day one make it clear you want someone who is interesting to you and who is interested in you. It is important that you see yourself as valuable.
Be careful leading as it can attract those who are a lazy person who do not want to put anything into the relationship.
If do want to start the conversation, say you see a photo of a man you like doing an activity or in a place you like contact then with a quick message such as “I like that activity or place” and see how they respond.
What if he takes the bait? Then good, if not move on. If he is not leading the conversation, I have no time for him.
When people contact you, be quite direct in what you are looking for to save wasting time and see if they are after the same thing if not wish them luck and move on to the next person.
Limit the number of people you are in contact with, you do not need all those conversations that are not leading anywhere, your goal is to reduce the noise. Then when there is someone who shares your ideas, they will stay around as they know what you are looking for.
How to deal with those frustrating contacts.
People who contact you by just sending a message of hello in my personal opinion through dating are someone who does not say much about themselves and is probably not a very fun person. You need to be cautious of what their intentions are and what they are like as a person.
To end those frustrating conversations, say ‘Hi, this is what I am looking for’ and leave it as that. Do not waste time on those who are just there for entertainment, move on.
I have just skimmed through the topics above so if you want to delve further into them then contact me to discuss what other resources, I have available that can help you.
Overall keep searching, have in mind what you are searching for and keep going!
If you would like to know more, please book a free consultation and we can talk about your love strategy.