Dr Mari Kovanen Coaching

conscious dating

What’s the difference between ”situationships” and consciously created loving relationships?

Many of us enter relationships without giving them too much thought. We want to find love. We want to find a partner in life. Perhaps we have thought about wanting someone to who we share values and feel attracted, but often the thinking and reflecting does not go beyond wanting someone who is perhaps smart, ambitious and the type of activities they may enjoy.

Modern times and dating can bring a lot of complications to finding love…

There is a lot to navigate in the dating world…the hook-up culture…the online dating antics…what is real and what’s not…

What’s important to understand is that our brain and the nervous system is still the same as it was for our ancestors who lived in caves.

Although we live in the modern world with us women be more empowered than ever before to do anything we want in this world similarly to men, what has not changed is our innate desire to bond and mate. This is where it gets confusing…

How do I as a modern empowered woman find an equal man who shows up in the relationship and makes me feel appreciated and safe?

What is a “situationship”?

Even if I have all the best intentions of finding love with a long-term partner, I may end up in a complicated “situationship”. These are casual, undefined dating and relationship meetings between two people who fancy each other, the relationship often has some of the perks of a committed relationship like sex but no commitment or real emotional intimacy. There may be some “fake intimacy” that comes from long texting chains or rushing into sex without knowing who the other person is.

There is no judgement here! This may be your dating “exploration phase” when you are figuring out what you want and need. However, you are probably here because you are looking to find someone who becomes your loving, long-term partner in life.

I did end up in “situationships” when I was looking for love. I thought that was the modern way of finding love as a modern, empowered woman. I was so confused!

Usually, in a situationships one party ends up hurt (woman) and wondering what is going on even if it initially started as let’s just see how it goes.

We women have been programmed hormonally to bond with the person we have sex with and unless you are emotionally really cut off, the chances are that you get hurt in a “situationship”.

What is a consciously created relationship?

Consciously created loving relationships have a commitment to creating the couple bubble where two people consciously work towards building a deep connection with each other.

There is clarity.

There is commitment.

There is ownership of seeing myself as a whole person meeting with a like-minded whole person who also takes responsibility for what they bring to the relationship table.

There is an effort in building something beautiful together.

There is love and compassion towards each other.

what’s the difference between how “situationships” and a consciously created loving relationships start?

A “situationship”….
I match with someone online.
We chat for days, weeks, forever…
It feels like we are connecting…
We meet…we are attracted to each other. We have fun and have a few drinks…
It feels amazing… but why does he not ask more questions from me? 
It feels great so I ignore any warning signs or spent time getting to know him…
Have I now found love???
This connection is amazing!!
We then…quite quickly have physical intimacy…
He then seems to have changed…
I am asking myself…
Has he lost interest?
Have I done something wrong?
Am I too intense?
I thought he felt the same??
Why do men always behave like this!!?
Then he wants to meet up…
I have invested and emotionally hooked…
He comes and goes and I question every move…
A consciously created relationship starts with…
I get to know myself…
I reflect on my past relationships, my relationship templates from childhood, and triggers…
I support myself emotionally and practice self-compassion.
I figure out what type of relationship I want and what type of man would be a great fit.
I find a dating site that allows me to write more about who I am and what I am looking for.
I choose photos that reflect my personality and interests.
I may contact someone I like the look of just to let them know that I am interested but then I lean back and observe if they take the initiative or not…
Just “Hi” messages I ignore.
I don’t entertain long chat conversations about rubbish, my time is precious.
I will ask to speak on the phone before meeting up if he suggests it.
The first meeting is a brief coffee chat.
We have fun…
We agree to meet again.
I expect him to continue consistently to keep the conversation going whilst I am clear about enjoying his company (if I do).
His open and straightforward manner is easy to understand.
During dates 2-3 I will ask important questions regarding relationships and what he has learnt from them. His future plans and values.
I keep checking whether behaviour and talk are in line and how it compares with what I am looking for.
I take my time to get to know him.
If he puts pressure to move forward quicker than I am comfortable with, I will express my views and if necessary I am prepared to make my exit.
If he really wants a relationship with me, he respects my wishes.
Until there is a conversation about exclusivity, physical intimacy is off the menu…
These may be too simplified examples of dating but I hope they get you to see how conscious dating can SO increase your chances of finding love.
How did you find these examples?
How do you usually approach dating?
I for sure was dating like I was blindfolded and hoped for the best….
When I met my husband I had more of a dating plan but it all felt so easy…
This is the thing that I keep hearing from clients who have met someone compatible whilst we have been working together “it just feels so natural and easy”…
The early days of the relationship should not feel like too much hard work already. It is the time that you can look back on when there are hard times later. 

If you are ready to say goodbye to "situationships" and find real love with an equal, loving man, book a connection call and let's talk how you too could find love.

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