Dr Mari Kovanen Coaching

couple, lying, bed

How to avoid slipping into a “situationship.”

You are a Smart ambitious women looking for a relationship and looking online can be a confusing place.

Situationships are casual relationships where one or both sides are not fully committed and where there is no emotional depth. They can be so frustrating.

How to avoid slipping into a situationship when looking for love?

What I observe from my clients and looking back to my own experiences is that the same patterns in different places keep come up. Your dating mindset is what guides your decisions.

  • Do you find yourself saying the following statements?
  • Relationships are complicated
  • They are no good men out there or in my near environment
  • There are no good men online.
  • Chemistry will guide me to find the right person
  • If I fancy the pants of this guy I will then go and have sex
  • As an empowered woman I should date like a man
  • As I’m in my 30s and 40s looking for love I cannot be too picky
  • I don’t trust that I will find love
  • I don’t trust there is a guy out there who will like who I am today.

My example

After dating for about 2 years, I met a guy and this was on back of an intense relationship where I got love bombed. I thought he looked good on paper, was well driven, lived between 2 countries which I liked. Maybe he was the ticket to my happiness? He liked going to gym which we had in common.

Although he was divorced and had a child, I felt as I was in my early thirties, I had to adapt to this and accept it. I told myself I cannot be too fussy.

On the first date there was a clear red flag, he brought his daughter to the date without telling me. He picked me up and we went to the zoo together, not the ideal place to have a discussion and get to know one another.

After that we talked online for a bit and then he moved countries and invited me to go and see him which I did for about 5 days. It was fun going to see him but then there were more red flags, he talked about bodies of other women, acting weird so I came home and it fizzled out, not much contact after that.

I did not ask any serious questions of him. I got rejected. I was going in without thinking too much and I ending up in a situationship without the knowledge of who I was and what I wanted.

How can you date with that kind of background noise?

Reflecting back the kind of mindset shift you need to avoid situations like this are to say to yourself the following things:-

  1. Worthy – I am worthy as the person I am today
  2. I am worthy of someone’s attention
  3. The standards of who I allow into my world are in my control
  4. My happiness is created by me (I set my boundaries)
  5. There are good men out there who want a relationship
  6. I set the pace even if I get pushed to go faster than I want to.

We can choose to do anything we want to.

Men should wait for sex even if we want it, when ever sex becomes before the ‘exclusivity’ talk it confuses your mind.

Find real love and connection and check if he is worthy of your time and that you are compatible together first then you can explore the physical aspects.

Women’s brains are fixed to adopt more meaning to who we have sex with than men.

Last piece of puzzle should be the physical connection. Early physical intimacy does not create emotional connection, but it can later on in the relationship enhance it.

Why do mindset shifts matter?

Mindset shifts are important because when you set standards and set self-accountability you will feel good about dating and not feel like a minefield. You will feel empowered and will stop sliding in to situationships as you will have clarity on who you are and who you have met, if they have stuck it out getting to know you then build on it, if not move on and find someone who matches you and appreciated you as you are today.

Address these gremlins in the back of your mind you will find love.

How do these changes happen?

Change mindset from urgency and chemistry to one where you vet people, have a process to find clarity and peace of mind creating your own rules so it becomes fun. Good preselection creates less confusion.

I have a process with my clients to go from the frustrations of dating to finding clarity and confidence that the date is just a meeting between 2 people to find out if you have things in common. If you do move on to the next stage, if not move on to the next person.

Contact me here for a discovery call, so you can find love like I did.

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