Dr Mari Kovanen Coaching

12 Signs that he’s not that into you – How to recognise an emotionally unavailable man when dating

You have started dating someone. You see each other during the weekends. You are starting to get a feeling that this is not going to progress the way you wanted. You agonise and analyse his text messages and your conversations. It seems fine but you don’t want to raise the question of “do you like me” or “where is this going” either. 

You say to yourself that he would not keep seeing you if he was not that interested. Surely not…

You are confused and getting stressed out about the situation. 

Let’s talk about why some people may prefer to be in confusing situations and give mixed messages before talking about the signs that he’s not emotionally invested in your relationship. It becomes a relationship, when you are seeing each other fairly regularly and have sex with each other. 

Why does someone send mixed messages?

For some people “situations” or hook ups are enough. They want the benefits of a relationship like sex with a familiar person. Potentially they are sensing that they don’t need to do much to have your attention and they are exploiting that. They are focused on fulfilling their needs without considering you. 

There are probably reasons in his background that he needs to work through to be able to commit to and have a deeper relationship. We learn about relationships in our early relationships and often people who are emotionally unavailable, they have not experienced “another” being emotionally available to them in childhood. Usually deep down their fear rejection and avoid the discomfort by not committing or letting a relationship become deeper. 

Having sex with a familiar person may be as much as closeness as he can tolerate, because he does not need to get emotionally invested. Please note that there may be reasons that are nothing to do with you explaining why he is behaving this way. 

12 Signs that he is not interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you: 

  1. He is inconsistent and you have to accommodate to his schedule
  1. He does not make an extra effort to ensure that you are comfortable with each other 
  1. He talks about other women to you and about his past conquests
  1. He never seems to have time for you unless when he wants to have sex
  1. He does not ask about you and how you are doing
  1. He does not show interest in your life or friendships
  1. He talks about trivial things
  1. He avoids tender physical contact with you other than sex or only meets up when he is drunk
  1. He is often looking over your shoulder to check out other women
  1. He does not look into your eyes tenderly
  1. He avoids any emotional topics or deeper conversations
  1. He may create a false sense of depth by talking about his difficult life situations but it is only to have the focus on him. 

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list.  I hope that it gives you enough information on how to recognise someone who is not emotionally available. Essentially they communicate in everything that they put themselves first.  

Could I love him more to make him more interested?

You can’t change someone. Only they can change themselves. Please do not try to mould yourself to try to fit into their world, if he is not making an effort for you. To avoid any further pain, you need to take care of yourself and leave even if it feels difficult.

 but you are looking for a serious relationship, someone to share your life with.  Please remember that if someone is unable to build a serious relationship, it is not because of you. 

You deserve to be with a person who prioritizes you. Someone who thinks that you are amazing just as the person you are and they want to be with you, get to know you and they would not jeopardize the blossoming romance by talking about other women or anything that might be negative in your eyes.  


If you would like to be able to receive love, find your special person without wasting more time on emotionally unavailable men, please contact and let’s talk about how you could transform your love life and finally meet that special person. 

Would you like more tips to attract your equal, loving partner. Get my 7 Expert Strategies To Attract An Equal High-Quality Man Without Wasting More Time here

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